Wednesday, November 26, 2014

Existence...

Why do I exist? What is my purpose in the universe? Why am I here? What am I doing?
These thoughts have been flowing through my mind for a long time now... I've been shushing them, shooing them away, answering then discarding these very answers. But now these thoughts have become louder and louder, over-coming other thoughts, and I ask myself is what you are doing really keeping you happy?

Don't get me wrong, I'm accomplished, educated, have a beautiful family, parents, job, all  meeting society standards alhamdolillah perhaps exceeding them. I cant thank God enough for what He has blessed me with. However, there are times when I feel I want to do more, make a difference to lives of my inner circle - children, spouse, parents, friends. Still more, I want to give back to the society, educate & inspire. By God, I want to do much more.

Doing more requires time & energy, and how do I make time, how do I generate that energy? How do I break away from the consuming shackles of work at office and at house-hold? I feel I'm in a high speed race, where I'm expected to run and run, to perform and perform all the time. Without a miss, without a moment of doubt, of fear, of weakness, of mis-judgement, and I feel that people around you hold you to it. And then you have to explain and explain, why does one have to explain so much? To break away from the shackles, requires too much explaining again, to much re-organization, for which I would need to muster up energy. Which may impact the peaceful lives of my children & family. Do I dare? Do I dare to break away, to dream, to realize that dream? 

I'm losing my spirit, I know, I can sense. I think I'll be running this rat race for years...

~n|dz